Awaiting and Dreading This Day!

I woke up crying at 4am, and soothing music lessened my pain. 

Going home to Maryland today…. Oh how I’ve awaited and dreaded this day!!

You always want to go home after traveling right? As there’s no place like home. But what will home be like now, with me alone? 
I’ve been trying to be so brave, but will I cry all the way home?? 

Will I remember how to turn the water back on in our house? I’m suddenly terrified by all the things in our home previously handled only by my spouse! 

As I pack up our Memory Maker probably for the last time, I suddenly feel the need for something stronger than a glass of wine.

I folded up Tim’s favorite chair, and I cried and cried in utter dispair. Having instant coffee one last time, in our favorite mugs that we’ve gathered over time.

There’s so many folks waiting for us and I can’t wait to feel their love. Wait, I’m crying again because I just realized once again that Tim’s now up above.

We’re leaving Herkimer Diamond Mines a place we both so loved! But it’s also the place where Tim had his first of several strokes. But as he closed his eyes for the final time, I hope he smiled at all the memories we made at the Diamond Mines. 

People have asked me if I’ll ever come back here again. I say sure because I’ll always want to reconnect with the soul mate I left here.
Awaiting and dreading this day, but it’s not going away… I’ll keep packing knowing that though Tim’s gone in body, he will always be sending me love in his own special way! 

God grant me the strength I need for this day, I know you’ll take care of me because my faith is here to stay! 

Love and miss you Tim!! 


14 thoughts on “Awaiting and Dreading This Day!

  1. Just know that we are all here to wrap you in our love.. Don’t worry as your neighbors we are to hrlp you with whatever you may need, we’ll even show you how to turn the water back on!!

  2. I have never had the opportunity to meet you in person, however, I have laughed and cried with your posts and prayed so much for Tim and the entire family. One thing that comes through clearly is your strength and the love that surrounds you and will continue to as you transition to this new life. I will continue to pray for all of you.

    • Hey Elizabeth!! Well then we just have to meet!! I can’t thank you enough for being on this journey with us and for your prayers!! You’re awesome!!

  3. Lovely, poignant post, Loretta.

    It is a blessing amidst your grieving that, among many ways to delve into your sorrow, acknowledging your pain at Tim’s death and absence, you can write so to share with us who love you and, verily, to share with yourself your very self – who you are , where you are, how you are.

    One of the most powerful elements of this post for me is your keen awareness of time and space and place. Going home without Tim. Leaving Herkimer and Cooperstown where, in his death, he, his soul, left his body and, in that reality, you had to leave him; and now, Herkimer and Cooperstown will be places where he was last alive in your life in his flesh and blood. Powerful, poignant, and palpable realizations.

    Know that Pontheolla and I are two of your cadre of life-long lovers of you and Tim and who will stand with you through your journey through your grief and beyond.

    Much love, always and all ways,

    • And of course you know I’m crying again after reading your response. Had not considered this day would be this hard. But I could feel this coming last night. I’ve been comforting by writing through this journey that started July 1st. Thank you for loving me and walking with me and Tim!! With so many people walking with me, especially you and Pontheolla, I can’t go wrong!!

      Love you always!!

      • Love you back! Always! You will walk through this. For now, remember and weep, think and weep, feel and weep, and weep some more. For your tears are an expression of your love for and loss of Tim in this life. Thus, they are a most honest manifestation of who and where and how you are. Your tears also are cathartic cleansers, the flood arising from the wellspring of your soul, your very self. So, weep, beloved sister and friend and family…

  4. Ret, what a bittersweet day this is. To be home, surrounded by everything Tim and being surrounded by everything Tim. Both a comfort and sorrow. Home is where your biggest support system is and it will help you for the strength you want/need. Know that in spirit, Tim will be by your side, today and always because you had a rare, hard to find love. I pray that you find that strength, for yourself. You don’t need to be strong for anyone else. I am here, 24/7, if you need anything, to talk in the middle of the night, whatever. Remember that right now you don’t always have to be strong, allow yourself to turn to those who love you, when you need it the most, you’ve been a rock to so many, it’s our turn to be your rock. I love you My Sister!

    • I’ve been a basket case today for sure!!! Every small thing made me cry. Primarily because I’m likely going to be selling Memory Maker!! I promise to turn to my rocks!! One of the best memories of that horrible week was hearing Tim say your name and laughing with you like always!! It was priceless!! Love you too my sister!!

  5. Loretta, There are no words that can ease the pain or fill the void created by your loss. I am not even going to pretend, in the words of the oft-quoted cliché, that it will get better with time. What I can say, from my first-hand experience in the loss of my Mother, is that you are abundantly blessed to have a tremendous support system in place, consisting of those you have loved, cherished, nourished and supported throughout the years. Be sure to stay connected to “your peeps”, reaching out, being transparent and even vulnerable during this difficult time…for this is what will truly help you to endure. There is no doubt about the fact that, “how far we travel in life matters far less than those we meet along the way” . And, God places people in our lives and allows our paths to cross so that we can “be there” for each other when it is needed most, which also reminds me of my all-time favorite quote: “There is a destiny that makes us brothers; None goes his way alone; All that we send into the lives of others; Comes back into our own.” The seeds you and Tim have sown have taken root in the hearts and minds of SO many….and, WE will certainly be here for you! Love you!

    • Bonita, I’ve got a “reaching out” list for sure!! My peeps are ready & willing as you pointed out. My plan is exactly as you suggested, to open my arms to them and let them embrace me. I tend to have a short memory at times. When my friend Kris and her Aunt Ruth showed up in Tim’s hospital room and then spent the night in Cooperstown and came back the next day, I was stunned and beyond grateful!! Kris reminded me that when her mom was dying I drove to Owego, NY to be with she and Aunt Ruth, and stayed until Jodie died, even offering a prayer as she took her last breaths. So while they were with me I let them pamper me and him and it sure felt good!!

      Likewise last Friday night when Tim coded, I pushed the button on my cell phone to Paul and Pontheolla Abernathy! I screamed, I cried and yelled encouragement to Tim! Who else but your real “peeps” would stay on the phone with me as I went through every emotion possible.

      As we make this long ride home, after reading your post, I began thinking of all those special
      people in my life and their individual gifts that I may need along this journey. I know I won’t get through this alone so I’m ready to embrace the next chapters in my life. Thank you my cousin for this gift. Love you!

  6. Loretta my hearts aches as I think of you and your lost of Tim who I know was your rock, your eternal love. Yes for a while your sense of lost will at times be almost unbearable, but I know YOU have the faith, the strenght and the will to carry on as Tim would have you do. His spirit will always be there for you to call on whenever you need him and the beautiful memories you have made will sustain you in your moments of deepest sorrow. You can include me in that circle of friends and support. I am here to help and comfort you in your time of need in whatever capacity you might need. I embrace you, Kim and Kendall as you continue this journey together. Your love will help you weather this storm. Love you.

    • Yvonne!! YES indeed you are most definitely in that circle of friends!!! Always have been!! I’m sure my faith will get me through!! Love you too!!!!

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