A Team of One!

If you ever ran into Tim and I when we were camping, you probably heard us before you saw us. There’d be laughing and joking and teasing. There was squealing when we rode our bikes or cheering when I made a great turn in Memory Maker I. We were a Team of Two.

I’d been sick for a few days before I picked up Memory Maker II on Friday and drove it home. I realized I probably wasn’t really sick, but instead was anxiety-filled over the first huge purchase I’d made without Tim. I was also terrified about driving it home solo….Who would tell me I was doing a great job, or that I needed to slow down or pay attention to my mirrors? For 36 miles, I was a Team of One, trying to encourage myself that I could do this! But I could still hear Tim’s voice saying “I’m right here in the passenger seat”. Good thing too, because a few people cut me off on the highway but I stayed calm through it all. I was really surprised when I arrived safely because I didn’t have one problem driving Memory Maker II home.

I could see the end of the RV in the mirrors, and the backup camera is spectacular! My confidence was high. I was proud. But when I got out of the RV as a Team of One, there was no one to hug or high-five with… (though my neighbor across the street came over and took my picture with Memory Maker II.) So what did I do? I burst into tears right on the sidewalk…I was happy, sad, proud, and nauseated all at the same time. I cried and cried until I couldn’t cry any more. I then spent about 7 hours over the weekend getting to know Memory Maker II and reading some of the briefcase full of instruction manuals on operating everything contained in the RV. A Team of One might be ok, and it’s better than no longer camping right?

On Saturday, I had planned to go see my Mom. But I didn’t. I stayed in and worked. Why? Because on this weekend, I wanted and needed my Mom. My Mom who could give me a hug and understand what I’m going through. I wanted her to listen to how I feel and tell me that she was there for me. As much as I love my Mom, I’ll admit that I this weekend I didn’t want to see the Mom she is today, I wanted my Mom from years ago, the best listener ever! I’ll go tomorrow instread to see her, because I’m almost back to my reality that Mom is probably going to be different every day for the rest of her life, but she’ll still always have the title of being my Mom.

Fast forward from Friday to Sunday. If you know me at all, you know that I’m a huge football fan. I dream of the opening weekend of football every season. While I’ve been a life-long Skins fan, I’ll watch any two teams play on any day. Yet I was very aware that I hadn’t watched one second of a pre-season game and didn’t see one snap of football yesterday. I was dreading this season like the plague. Sundays were our favorite day! We’d spend from the time we got home from church until late Sunday night watching football!! Tim and I would discuss play calling, penalties, and commentators, not your typical standard conversation for husbands and wives! Tim would make snacks or an amazing cheese tray and we’d have a ball scrutinizing every play as if we were a paid commentator!!

Of course I was very aware that the Skins were playing tonight. I got home from work and began to do other work… Prep for presentations and my upcoming security course in October. As 7pm arrived I got more and more anxious…. would I watch, how would I feel?? Then I got a text from, Alvin the best man at our wedding, wishing the Skins well…. so I turned to ESPN…. I’m not wearing my Skins hat, sneakers or jersey…The players came out on the field. That’s always when Tim and I would go over the game plan as if we were coaching (and they’ve never done anything we recommended!!). Tonight I didn’t feel excited, and as the National Anthem started I began to cry (and not because of the recent protests over the anthem.). I wanted my Team of Two back, the best crazed football fans ever! (you’d agree if you’ve ever watched or attended a game with us)… but my Team of One would have to do. I switched back and forth between the game and my favorite Investigations Channel, which I’d never ever do in the past.

I am learning a lot about grief, and it’s most certainly about doing things you’ve never done before, because you’re having feelings you’ve never had before. Now that it’s the third quarter of the game, I’m trying my best to embrace the Team of One. I had a piece of Tim’s favorite cheese in his memory, and cheered a first down. That’s all I can muster at this point, but it’s a step and I’m happy with any forward progress (notice the football analogy). I’ll probably go to bed in a few and look forward to the new day tomorrow. Who knows, maybe next game I’ll wear Tim’s favorite jersey – then at least I’ll be a Team of One with an Angel! Love and Miss you Tim!

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