Conquering Fear To Achieve Our Goals!

I was so happy on September 9th when I picked up Memory Maker II. I couldn’t wait to take it out for more camping adventures as I promised Tim I would. Only I didn’t take it out. I didn’t even turn on the ignition. Each weekend I found an excuse such as … it was supposed to rain, I needed to go to church, I needed to finish reading the manuals for the RV before heading out. But the truth of the matter was I was TERRIFIED to go out by myself… I wasn’t confident that I could hook up the cable, sewer and water connections or work the control panel in the RV. Why didn’t I just ask someone to go with me??? Because I needed to do it by myself first, to see how it felt being alone and responsible for any and everything that would occur. There would be no teamwork this time, like with Tim where we shared all responsibilities on every trip.

Finally on Thursday after work, I drove to a huge campground in College Park, MD near the University of Maryland and paid in advance for a campsite. That meant, unless I wanted to waste my money I’d go camping on Friday afternoon (and I’m too frugal to waste money). So yesterday I left work and headed home to get MMII. I was already packed so I just had to put on my sweats and go. Just as I was pulling off, the UPS man arrived with my latest order of 250 books. He helped me put the books inside the house. I then headed off for my adventure. I immediately noticed that my radio and backup camera weren’t working, and no power seemed to be going to it. It wasn’t a game breaker because I had ordered a pull-thru site and shouldn’t need to back up. So I continued on, determined not to let anything stop me. I got on the Beltway, about 7 miles from home before realizing I didn’t have my phone. I last had it in my hand when the UPS driver showed up. RATS!!! I had left it on the table as we put the books in the house. Back home I went because my license, credit cards and everything else of importance are all in my phone case. All of a sudden I wished I had my backup camera, because as I jumped off the next exit and into a huge church parking to turn around, I had to back up to do so. Thankfully I did it easily without crashing into anything. I made it back home, got the phone and started the trek again.

I got to the campground with no problem. YAY!! There was a woman directing traffic into the waiting line to enter. I was surrounded by huge RVs!! When I paid on Thursday I was told that someone would escort me to the campsite and help me set up since I’d be alone. But of course when I got there they were swamped with checkins so I was alone… Uh oh .. The first hurdle was getting through the security gate where I had to enter a security card I received at checkin. I drove half a mile an hour so as not to hit the side of the checkpoint gate…

This campground was HUGE so I drove for three minutes at least to find the number of my campsite. I thought I had passed it and made a U-turn (woo hoo!) but turns out I hadn’t gone far enough!

I was esctatic when I arrived at my site and pulled in safely! I got out and went through the required checklist in my head. Put the chock block down, hook up the water system, hook up the sewer system I had just purchased (I left the old one in MMI accidentally), and finally hook up to the camp’s cable and wi-fi service. I was shockingly done in less than 15 minutes! YES!!!

Inside, I put up Tim’s picture (of him standing next to MMI) and his favorite orange cap. Now MMII felt like home. I tried out all of the tv’s and programmed them all to the campground’s cable which had more than 100 stations. I looked at all the storage areas in MMII and put things away. I read the instructions and turned on the stove for the first time (don’t get excited, I didn’t cook anything!!)… I also read the short instructions on the microwave and heated up some chicken and pasta I had cooked earlier in the week. Score!! I also took a piece of cake from the freezer that Kim had made on Sept 21st for our 31st anniversary with me for the trip. It felt like Tim was really there as I was eating the cake. I shed a few tears but felt so much joy!

I thought I had packed sufficiently but soon discovered severlal things I left at home. A roll of paper towels, napkins, and most importantly, sheets for my awesome bed. Turns out though that sheets are overrated. I had my blankets and I was in heaven!! I made do easily without those things I had forgotten and even laughed about it too! I read the manuals on the control panel while standing in front of it and learned a lot. I pushed buttons and tried things out.

The night was great! I did have one minor issue when the very sensitive smoke detector went off because I had the heat up too high. (Hey, I’m always cold!!) LOL. I resolved that issue easily by turning the heat down and opening the door. In the morning after trying out the shower and the other beds in the RV, I began packing up. The process was great in spite of the pouring rain! I left early so I could get home and mail 110 books that came yesterday to my next two speaking engagements in Boston and Connecticut. I then needed to go back to the RV dealer in Manassas so they could figure out what was wrong with my radio system / backup camera. They couldn’t help me over the phone and asked me to come in. Turns out it wasn’t operator error like we all thought… it was a bad radio so they ordered a new one for me and I’ll have to bring it back for installation. Thought it was raining hard, I really enjoyed all my drive time in MMII this weekend. I feel really comfortable now, like it was made for me! I am astounded by the fact that when I forget to put things away in the RV, they always fall on the floor as I drive… but Tim’s hat that I had put by the door, never moved an inch. WOW! He really was with me.

The most surprising thing for me was the fact that I didn’t have any anxiety all weekend. The campground folks were really friendly and came by to check on me. My neighbors were great too, and everyone is surprised to hear the story of why I’m camping alone. I didn’t take the easy way out when I forgot my phone or my backup camera didn’t work. I pushed on because I knew if I just allowed myself, I’d have fun on my short excursion. I had promised Tim I’d continue on, and so I was going to!! And I DID have fun! I walked the huge campground trails, watched the Metrobus come onto the campground to pick up or drop off campers to or from sightseeing (have never seen a city bus stop at a campground).

I walked through the mini golf course, saw the movie theater, and banquet hall which had a wedding in progress. This place was a mecca of entertainment not just a place to camp. I sent Kim pics of the pool and water park (which were still open), the restaurant and the bus stop! She too was amazed!

It was just the right place and the right weekend for me to get back on track with our goals…. The rain washed away the tears I shed, both of sorrow of having fun without Tim and of joy for pressing on through my fears. I’m so proud of myself I could shout to the world!! If you know me well you know I’m not a handy person with tools. But I was twisting lugnuts and screwing nails, and banging things with a hammer! Who is this person??? This is the Loretta who is living up to a promise to continue our goals and our journey. It’s requiring that I learn a few new skills along the way while continuing to use the skills I already have. You can Rest in Peace now dear Tim! I’ve got this! I’ve conquered the Fear and will replace it with Fun and you’ll be there ever step of the way! Next adventure in two weeks! Bring it on! Love you Tim!

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