Mom rarely asks me questions, but on Sunday as I dropped in for a visit, she asked if I was sad. It was an interesting question and I wondered what prompted it. Did she see something in my face? I had taken Friday off, and had big plans for my four-day weekend. Aside from two visits with Mom on Friday and Sunday, and a great few hours with my grief support group on Saturday, I had planned on being ALONE. I didn’t feel that well either, so being home and alone was just what I needed. But after Mom’s question I had to ask myself, was too much time alone causing me to be sad?
My primary goal for the weekend was to complete at least half of the RV Tech course I had ordered and I was looking forward to learning as much as I could. I started each morning at 4:30 and worked on it for most of the day. I watched almost 17 hours of RV videos, completed all 6 workbooks and went outside to complete the hands-on exercises with all of my new gadgets and testers. I got on the ladder of my RV, on the ground underneath it, and inspected the compartments to find the furnace and hot water heater. It was much more fun than I thought it would be, and I finished the entire course at 6 am this morning. I then organized the inside compartments of the RV as I continue to figure out the decorating touches I want to add to make Memory Maker II my second home. I was bursting with pride, but I was sad too.
M next project was to finish the two new presentations I’m offering for caregivers and I completed all of the research and the slides for the new programs. I never thought I would finish the RV course in four days, much less the two other presentations. I’m thrilled with my content, and can’t wait to deliver them to live audiences, but I did feel sad too.
One of the presentations I developed involves adding time for relaxation into every day. I suggest that caregivers find things in their own environment or home to help them relax, instead of spending money that many caregivers don’t have. So to take my own advice, I got into our huge bathroom Jacuzzi tub, which I’ve not done for almost 2 years. It was extraordinary, and I stayed in the tub with the jets blasting until every part of me was well past the wrinkled stage. As the bubbles danced around me, tears started to fall. I have no idea why I was crying but it sure felt great!
Several people have told me that as the one year anniversary of Tim’s death looms, I’ll begin to feel more sad even when life seems to be going well. Life at the moment couldn’t be going better, except for the fact that Tim isn’t here. I have a great support system, my new book is about to be delivered, work is going well and I have quite a few keynotes coming up in June. So much to be excited about and I know how blessed I am. After the tears, I had a big laugh about a promise I made to Tim. He insisted that when I worked hard and completed something or achieved something, that I should treat myself to something fun! I agreed at the time, but I rarely kept my promise.
So when I started the RV course, I ordered a treat for myself that has quite the meaning for me and it came on Saturday but I didn’t open it until today. It’s a huge LEGO carousel that actually runs! Tim and I both loved riding the carousel with Kendal, and listening to her laugh with such joy. The meaning of my special treat is that Life is definitely a carousel, and sometimes you just have to hold on for the ride, even when you’re just going around in circles. Thank you Tim for encouraging me to treat myself and I know it will help me be less sad as I think about all of the LEGO projects we did together. It’s a huge project to complete, but I know you’ll be with me as I put together every LEGO brick! I hope you’re having your annual Memorial Day crabs in heaven! Miss and Love you!
Conquering Life; Love and Dialogue with Loretta Veney 