Mom rarely asks me questions, but on Sunday as I dropped in for a visit, she asked if I was sad. It was an interesting question and I wondered what prompted it. Did she see something in my face? I had taken Friday off, and had big plans for my four-day weekend. Aside from two visits with Mom on Friday and Sunday, and a great few hours with my grief support group on Saturday, I had planned on being ALONE. I didn’t feel that well either, so being home and alone was just what I needed. But after Mom’s question I had to ask myself, was too much time alone causing me to be sad?
My primary goal for the weekend was to complete at least half of the RV Tech course I had ordered and I was looking forward to learning as much as I could. I started each morning at 4:30 and worked on it for most of the day. I watched almost 17 hours of RV videos, completed all 6 workbooks and went outside to complete the hands-on exercises with all of my new gadgets and testers. I got on the ladder of my RV, on the ground underneath it, and inspected the compartments to find the furnace and hot water heater. It was much more fun than I thought it would be, and I finished the entire course at 6 am this morning. I then organized the inside compartments of the RV as I continue to figure out the decorating touches I want to add to make Memory Maker II my second home. I was bursting with pride, but I was sad too.
M next project was to finish the two new presentations I’m offering for caregivers and I completed all of the research and the slides for the new programs. I never thought I would finish the RV course in four days, much less the two other presentations. I’m thrilled with my content, and can’t wait to deliver them to live audiences, but I did feel sad too.
One of the presentations I developed involves adding time for relaxation into every day. I suggest that caregivers find things in their own environment or home to help them relax, instead of spending money that many caregivers don’t have. So to take my own advice, I got into our huge bathroom Jacuzzi tub, which I’ve not done for almost 2 years. It was extraordinary, and I stayed in the tub with the jets blasting until every part of me was well past the wrinkled stage. As the bubbles danced around me, tears started to fall. I have no idea why I was crying but it sure felt great!
Several people have told me that as the one year anniversary of Tim’s death looms, I’ll begin to feel more sad even when life seems to be going well. Life at the moment couldn’t be going better, except for the fact that Tim isn’t here. I have a great support system, my new book is about to be delivered, work is going well and I have quite a few keynotes coming up in June. So much to be excited about and I know how blessed I am. After the tears, I had a big laugh about a promise I made to Tim. He insisted that when I worked hard and completed something or achieved something, that I should treat myself to something fun! I agreed at the time, but I rarely kept my promise.
So when I started the RV course, I ordered a treat for myself that has quite the meaning for me and it came on Saturday but I didn’t open it until today. It’s a huge LEGO carousel that actually runs! Tim and I both loved riding the carousel with Kendal, and listening to her laugh with such joy. The meaning of my special treat is that Life is definitely a carousel, and sometimes you just have to hold on for the ride, even when you’re just going around in circles. Thank you Tim for encouraging me to treat myself and I know it will help me be less sad as I think about all of the LEGO projects we did together. It’s a huge project to complete, but I know you’ll be with me as I put together every LEGO brick! I hope you’re having your annual Memorial Day crabs in heaven! Miss and Love you!
Conquering Life; Love and Dialogue with Loretta Veney 
You are simply amazing with all that you are learning and completing, combined with all that you already do! I’m proud of what you do and what you’ve accomplished given what life has thrown at you. I’m sorry you have your sad times, I wish I could take them from you. On the other hand, you had an awesome love with Tim, so if you weren’t sad at times, that wouldn’t be the norm. Always remember, he’s right there by your side, as he’s always been. I love you tons Ret!
Love ya back my sister!! Thanks for always having my back!! I surprised myself by finishing the class so quickly. The next two weekends are full so wanted to take advantage of this one. You know Tim is smiling for sure!! And YEP he’s absolutely with me!
Once again I knew I needed my box of kleenex but as I read, I began to feel happy and excited for you. You are moving forward and that’s exactly what Mr. Tim would want you to do. I think definitely more jet tub days should be added to your schedule. Love ya Mrs. V.
Love ya too!! I’m happy too!! Learning to embrace all the emotions whatever they are and whenever they come! I just have to keep moving forward!!
Now I know why you were up so early Sunday! I agree , you are one amazing woman! Thank you for listening to all the things you tell us as caregivers, getting into the Jacuzzi allow you to let go of all the emotions build up inside.
I just love your mother! You know nothing gets pass our mothers (smile). Very thankful for her feeling and seeing your sadness. Waiting to see pictures of the Memory Maker II when you finish and the Lego carousal. You ROCK!!!! Blessings and Love
Thanks Belinda!! YES being in the tub was MOST healing for me!! All the emotions just came pouring out!! I can’t wait to do more work in MM II. It will be fun!! You’re so right, our Mothers definitely know us!!! That makes me smile too!! You ROCK too my friend! Blessing and Love right back at ya!!
OMG…..NOW I’m crying!!!!! We had the VERY same goal for this wknd! It was the FIRST wknd EVER that I had neither Kendal or firm plans fof anything. Despite needing to work, I accepted no work at all, slept in (which I never get to do) and continued the process of purging my house and life for peace and the new single life I’ve begun. It was daunting at times and though I’m still no where near complete, I am more peaceful than when I started.
In my cleaning, I found the Post plaque of Daddy’s obituary and placed it in a place of honor. I had some moments too of tears and laughter. Wishing he were here so that I could hang on to every word of his advice (something I regret I had not always done so well). I know however that he is proud and I see him in Kendal everyday.
She is going to LOVE the carousel!! LOVE YOU!!
YES indeed purging, resting, reflecting, crying and laughing are all fabulous for the soul!!! I did feel amazing to not have to be anywhere. Yesterday I walked as far as the RV and that was good enough for me!!! Yep Tim would be very proud of both of us!!!! I too try to listen for his advice! If we listen patiently enough we will hear it!!
Love you back!!!