Cleaning Out the Closets!

Easter Sunday was a very sad day for me. I was missing the joy that typically follows Good Friday. By Monday I had rebounded a little but something still didn’t feel right. Over the last couple of weeks, I had added some “Loretta touches” to the house with a new kitchen table set, and new curtains, benches and accent tables for the bathroom and bedroom, all of which I loved! On Wednesday I had shared an extraordinary lunch with new friend Christina Herman and an awesome dinner with old friend Sylvia Barnes Craig and was bouncing back to my joyous self. But there was one thing I realized late this week that I was obviously avoiding doing. I needed to clean out the closets in my bedroom and the foyer, where Tim had kept most of his clothes. It was a project that was a long time coming! I stayed up late last night (Friday) grading my grad students discussion posts and updating my website with upcoming speaking engagements so that today I could focus on the closets and whatever emotions would come while accomplishing that task.

Was I ready for the task? Turns out I was. I had given away to close family and friends some of Tim’s most treasured articles of clothing right after his death as many of them visited, but there was still lots of items remaining in the closets. As I sorted through everything, I had every possible emotion. While folding Tim’s golf sweaters and shirts, I could visualize him hitting some of his most famous shots on the various golf courses I went to with him. I always drove the golf cart and took pics and video as he played so he could focus on his swing. I laughed and cried at those memories.

As I put his casual and dress shoes and two pairs of cowboy boots in a bag for charity I remembered all of the security-related and black-tie events I had to attend during my six years on the ASIS International Board of Directors. He always wanted to ensure that he looked professional enough to escort me to every function we attended. I could picture Tim doing his few dance steps in those cowboy boots and I laughed hysterically. I hugged his hiking shoes as I remembered the three amazing weeks we spent in Utah with Kim and Kendal celebrating his 65th birthday. I even stopped sorting items to look at my favorite Utah pics to savor once again the memories we made.

But it was the pair of boots with the tags still on them that Tim never wore that made me cry the most. They were the rain / mud boots we bought at the outdoor store right down the street from the campground in Herkimer, NY, the place where Tim died. I cried because we never got to splash around in the mud at the campground diamond mine where we were supposed to work for 30 days. But after that cry, I put the boots in the bag and felt a huge sense of calm. I believe that calmness is another turning point for me because there are a couple of things I know for sure… I know I will splash around at a campground in the rain or mud in my boots that I bought at the same time as Tim bought his and when I do, Tim will be with me. I know that now that I am just two weeks away from my first trip in my new RV I named Joy that I’ll be making memories that would make Tim incredibly proud.

Cleaning out the closets today has freed me in a sense. I knew that I’d often walk quickly past the foyer avoiding looking at all of the clothes and shoes in that closet because a sense of dread had built up in me. Part of me felt like I was waiting for him to come back to wear those clothes again AND another part of me felt as if I was giving Tim away if I took the clothes out of the closets. Now that the job is done, I feel lighter and free of any guilt. Now I think of the men who may dance around in Tim’s cowboy boots, or may stay dry in the rain wearing one of his water repellant golf jackets and boots or staying warm in one of several bright orange sweaters. I hope that whomever ends up with all of the great things that came out of these closets will laugh loud or love hard just like Tim! It was time, and I did it and of course I now realize that cleaning out the closets hasn’t diminished my love for Tim one bit! I hope that if you have a closet to clean out or a task your avoiding, that you’ll feel inspired to tackle it soon! It may feel better than you think!

 

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