730 Days of My New Life!

On July 17th 2017 I wrote a blog post entitled “365 Days Without Tim, My Grief in LEGO Bricks!” It was such an emotional and freeing time for me because I often express myself with my hands and build what I’m feeling. It helps me to actually “see” what I’m feeling. I loved looking at the large LEGO structure that represented my Grief (blue), Growth (green), Memories (yellow) and Love (red).

July 17th is an emotional nightmare of a day, as not only did Tim die on that date in 2016, but my sister died on the same day in 2011. Maybe God’s plan for me was for all of my sadness to occur on one day.

I said last year that I’d continue my “grief build” into 2018 because another widow who has become a friend had warned me that the second year without Tim would be much worse than the first. She was absolutely right and it was brutal at times! This year I added an entirely new large plate to my build, and since my life has changed dramatically I decided to call this year’s memorial post “730 days of my new life”.

I added a piece, or two or three over the last 12 months as events and emotion led me. AND I added part of the white Temple I built after seeing the Burning Man exhibit at the Renwick Gallery in D.C. because it absolutely reflects how my Faith and Spirituality has evolved over the past two years. Here are how the four colors are represented in LEGO bricks and the stories behind them.

Grief (blue)

Being alone at night continue to be the worst time for me! I still hear noises at times but I’m not nearly as afraid to be alone as I was last year. The biggest surprise of this year is how easily and how much I cry now. I cry about everything that reminds me of Tim, and I never see it coming, it just happens!! I cry about the happy and fun stuff too wishing Tim was experiencing it with me! But I wipe my tears and embrace the moments just as Tim would want! Prior to two years ago I rarely cried….and now the tears just flow, but I’ve embraced them!! So the many new pieces I’ve added to last year’s section are indicative of my tears!

Growth (green)

My how I’ve grown!!! I traveled to new places on the book tour including Louisville, KY,  Waynesboro, PA and Boca Raton, Fl, places Tim would have absolutely loved. I spoke to my largest audience to date (800 AKA sorority members in D.C.) last month at a Sunday afternoon tea.

Work continues to be a great place for me! I love the team I work with and they love me and the job I’m doing. I’m amazed that they continue to be so supportive as I spread the word about Alzheimer’s across this country.

The thing I still haven’t grown in at all in my new life is cooking! I’ve mostly avoided it though I enjoyed cooking with Tim. As of now I love the healthy frozen meals with veggies that I’ve been living off of and I think my awesome health this year loves them too! I just pop them in the microwave and I’m all set! My goal is still to use my Instant Pot that I purchased in 2016 a lot more over this next year.

I made a big decision about my house and signed a maintenance contract through Michael and Sons so I don’t have to worry about huge bills for home repair! I also continued to purge and downsize. I’m sure my trash collectors are happy I’m done with the cleaning as I had dozens of huge bags of trash over this past year.

The many green pieces I added to the build this year reflect all of the growth I’ve made in my business and my personal life, especially around the house.

Memories (yellow)

I cherish all of the memories Tim and I made together and even though I may cry a little when I see them, the Facebook memories are always a huge boost for me whenever they pop up!!

I’m making some incredible new memories too! I took Kim and Kendal to LEGOLAND and did all the things Tim wanted to do with Kendal including staying in the LEGOLAND Hotel.

I began offering my LEGO Art class for those with dementia who live in the Collington Episcopal Life Care Community. I’ve been surprised at how fulfilling a ministry it’s been for me!

I met my friends Larry and Barbara in Pigeon Forge, TN for a great four day camping adventure. We’d tried on several occasions to go when Tim was still here, but something unfortunately always came up! I was thrilled we finally were able to do it, and Tim was with me all the way as I drove the 9 hours there and back all by myself!! As we caught up on our busy lives, we laughed, hiked, ate amazing food and drank some wine too!! What a confidence builder that trip was for me!!

I went back to St Croix to deliver two presentations to the Virgin Island caregivers!! I was thrilled to see them all again and how they were thriving after the devastation of Hurricane Harvey in 2017. I’ll never forget how this group ministered to me in 2016 when I went there to speak to their group 10 weeks after Tim’s death.

My memories new and old sustain me!! Seeing all of the yellow pieces stacked on top of each other reminds me of how intertwined my memories are from throughout my life. One memory, runs into and builds off of the next memory! Recalling the memories brings me so much joy and reminds me that I’ve had a wonderful life thus far!

Love (red)

There’s no way to adequately express my sincere gratitude for all of the LOVE and support I’ve received from my family, friends, Facebook friends (especially those in the Alzheimer’s Support groups), friends who are family including Loretta’s Angels Support Group and especially my work family with whom I spend a lot of time!!

As you can see from the number of red pieces I’ve added since last year, the love I’ve shared and the love that’s been given to me has been overflowing! Though it may not be visible or evident from the photo there are more than 150 red pieces and that’s a lot of love!! I’m so Blessed and grateful!!! You have hugged me, held my hand, wiped my tears, laughed with me, texted me and called me!! Where would I be without all of that love?? I don’t know but I’m glad I didn’t have to find out!!

Final Comments of my Grief Build

I’m so happy with how this build turned out. On the second plate that I added this year the focus was on how I walked the path between all four of the pillars over these 24 months. Each of the paths led to the next one. All of the paths go up and down like a staircase and basically go in a big circle like life!! Each color has its own small structure, but there is a red piece in each of the four corners because I was always surrounded by love. There are also four pillars with alternating colors because I could change from one mode to another in seconds depending on what was happening. In a nutshell, when I look at these pictures I can see and feel some of what I’ve been through these past 24 months.

I’m likely going to take my Grief Build apart at some point in the coming months…. kind of like all of the pieces to the Burning Man exhibit being burned at the close of the exhibit!! I’m certainly not trying to burn away Tim’s memory or love. Quite the contrary actually, because everything about Tim and our life together is burned into my heart and soul. Tim would love this Grief Build because it’s sitting on an orange plate and because it really does capture our love and our love of LEGO bricks!! It’s tall and wide like the ground we covered together, and our faith that carried us through sickness, in health and in death is at the center of everything!! He’d surely be smiling!! In the coming year, I look forward to continuing to embrace my Grief, to Growing and Loving and making new Memories and Tim will be with me on the journey as always. Love and miss you Tim!

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