Being Home Alone!

I’ve started a Coronavirus Journal so that years from now I can look back on how I spent my time during the pandemic.

Here’s one of the things I wrote…

I now seem to cry at the drop of a hat. It never used to be like that.

I always was as strong as ox, I kept all my feelings packed in a box.

I love traveling around to do my Alzheimer’s work. Fighting the disease taking my Mom helps relieve the hurt. 
I’m always hanging out and doing something fun, but when the Coronavirus showed up there was no where to run.
I’m forced to stay home alone with all my memories of thirty-four years. Memories that make me laugh out loud and cry buckets of tears.
Thank God I find peace while clicking together LEGO bricks. They help me process my life and the things I need to fix.
I miss my sister, my husband and my Mom who doesn’t know me. Very thankful that in my redesigned basement home I’m starting to feel free. 
I had never sat still long enough to enjoy my new living space, because there are so many things in my life I still wasn’t ready to face. 
Part of me still feels cheated cause I never met my dad. All things we never got to share in our lives even to this day makes me sad. 
This year Tim and I would have been married for thirty-five years. But on September 21st without him there will be no cheer!
The virus is preventing me from visiting Mom except via a screen or through a glass door. Dealing with the virus and dementia together almost caused me to collapse on the floor.
Maybe my recent tears are helping me heal. Grieving the things missing from my life I’m starting to deeply feel.
It was past time to stop running and to finally start to process all my life’s stuff. Who knew a pandemic would force me to uncover realities that have been really tough. 
As long as the stay at home order remains in place, I’ll continue to relish my time being still in my space. 
I pray that the virus that’s impacted the entire world will soon go away. And yet I hope that the growth and peace finally building within me is here to stay. 

8 thoughts on “Being Home Alone!

  1. Simply Beautiful! Thank you for sharing, I’m in the house alone but we are together in spirit 🥰. I’m bless by your posts, they have lifted me out of many fogs of feeling sorry for myself, the desires that I lack, hope for. Your openness about your life, your family, your struggles, your love touches me deeply. You are such a bright light and inspiration. Thank you for sharing your journal. We all will look back over this period of isolation with new hope, new joy, new life, new love and thank our Savior Jesus Christ for blessing us to get through.

    Blessings and Love,

    Belinda

    >

    • Belinda my sister you made my day!! This has truly been a struggle! I’ve gone from hating the thought of being home to actually loving the silence and the peace. This virus is a hard way to learn that you don’t always have to be doing something! We are definitely all in this together and I am so Blessed to have so many amazing people in my life! Thank you for sharing and for lifting me up today!

      Love you!!

  2. It’s tough to be tough, but you have a good handle on all the emotions that come with having to be tough person with all that you have been through. I have allowed myself to feel okay for being sad sometimes and have become a master at having my pity party, ending it, picking myself up, and looking at life through a joyful and grateful lens again. It took me a while and it is a battle that I fight on my own as I do not want to ever bring anybody down, but I make up for it by staying busy and living life with joy to the fullest, just like you seem to do. This quarantine has made it difficult to get out there and stay busy so I made a list of projects around the house that I want to accomplish. Currently though the list is on hold as I am developing online lessons for teaching my kindergartners remotely starting next week. Stay well Loretta and keep being the tough cookie that you are.
    Love,
    Heidi

    • Thanks Heidi!!!

      I so agree with you, I never want to bring others down either!! I love the projects I’ve gotten done so far in the house!! Really proud of myself! And there’s still more purging I can do!! Really enjoying it!! You’re a really tough cookie (and awesome) too!! We both can do this!!

  3. Dear Loretta,

    This post touched me so. I can imagine how hard it must be for you to be slowed down and alone. You are such a joyful, energy-filled extravert; you thrive on other people and on being busy. I can also imagine how hard it must be for you to be without Tim under these circumstances. What a pair you two must have been! How it must have thrilled him to watch you move around in the world.

    But I am so glad to hear you say you are living into the quiet and the comfort of your home and are listening to your heart. I know your heart a bit, and it is full of love, of generosity, of creativity, and of a deep joy that is always there, even in the quietest room. I love reading what you are learning by listening to that great heart, welcoming a peace that has been waiting for you to embrace it, welcoming reflection and ordering of the pieces you have been gathering for such a long time (maybe like colorful Lego pieces that you now have time to use to design and craft the foundations of your life to come?). I know that Tim is with you in the quiet, whispering his support and faithfulness, and most of all, his enduring love that death can’t deter or diminish.

    I will keep you in my heart, Loretta, and remember you every day in prayer. I will do the same for your mother, because I know she misses seeing you. Keep in touch, and know that you are not far away from those who care about you and can’t wait to see what this “sabbatical” will bring forth for you.

    Much love,

    Karen

    • Karen you made my day!!!!

      YES a Sabbatical!! That’s definitely what I’m on and I’m loving it!! I am still full of joy but want to ensure I focus on the rest of my emotions too and not try to keep them bottled up!!

      I’ll keep writing for sure, likely more than I have been so I’ll definitely be in touch!!

      Thank you for all your love & support!! It means the world to me!!!

      Much love!!

  4. Mrs V. That was beautiful. I love how you write. I feel every word you wrote and my heart breaks for all the things you’ve lost. But I am very hopeful that God has given you strength to deal with all that has come your way. Thanks once for sharing a piece of you with us.

    • Robert!!! (You know it’s hard for me to call you that right?)

      I hope you are doing well!

      You are so awesome!! YES I absolutely believe that God has given me the strength I need!! This was painful to write but writing has always been the way that I heal!! As we used to always say, “this too shall pass”!

      Stay safe my friend!!

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