I finally didn’t have any words. I thought I was in charge of this grief thing, but I was wrong. I sailed through Christmas with three busy days of activities with the family. But the days between Christmas and New Year’s Eve were hard! I tried my best but I was beyond sad. I had plenty of invitations to New Year’s Eve celebrations but I knew I wouldn’t be good company. I had planned on doing what Tim and I used to do most years, watch old movies and eat popcorn while in our pjs. It was always such a blast! I recorded some movies on the DVR and brought some popcorn too. I thought I was ready but things didn’t work out as I had envisioned. I woke up crying on New Year’s Eve and it went downhill from there. I cried most of the day.. Sobbed actually. By early evening my shoulders and chest hurt so much I thought I was having a heart attack. I considered calling 911 but knew what I was feeling was normal grief.
I smiled and even cheered at the activities some of my favorite couples, Paul and Pontheolla, Don and Jan, Bill and Josie, wrote about on Facebook. I wanted them to have as much fun as possible because it can be gone in a moment and I didn’t want them to feel what I was feeling. I didn’t watch any of the celebrations on tv, until 11:58 pm as the ball actually started to drop. As midnight arrived I cried some more. Sunday morning wasn’t any better, and I woke up crying again and even had a meltdown during church. Thankfully there was Josie, who held me as I cried. Some people said to me “you should have called me yesterday”…but no one would have been able to even understand what I was saying I was crying so much. I absolutely know who I can call when I need to, but I also know when I have to work through things alone.
The tide started to turn when I walked to the Botanical Gardens after church and delighted in the amazing holiday exhibit of sculptures of National Park and Historic Places made out of plant materials. The line was long but it was worth the wait. Tim would have loved it since we are both National Park fanatics. I had a great time, smiled and took some pictures.
I then spent an amazing evening with friends Phyllis, Jennifer and the Vorgangs, or “my sister, brother and the siblings” as I call them. We ate way too much delicious food, laughed and cried and even had cake for an early birthday celebration for me. I not only came home stuffed, but also with lots of food for future meals and an entire cake! I definitely have to keep my workouts up as I eat all of these wonderful meals.
Though I did send out quite a few Happy New Year messages, I was so out of it during my crying day that I forgot to work on my annual LEGO New Year’s build. So this morning I completed it, with lots of orange of course. If you look closely, you can see that Tim was the “center of my joy” but now that he’s not here, I’m surrounded by many other loving people.
It’s a new day in a new year and I’m starting to feel like myself again. I understand now that these crying phases will come and go. I also realize that it’s ok to have days like that because sometimes your emotions just have to pour out! In between all of the crying I did get a lot of writing done for the project I’ve been working on. Today I’m going to do something I haven’t done all weekend and that’s to spend the day playing and watching the movies I didn’t watch on New Year’s Eve!! I’ll be 58 years old tomorrow and that gives me JOY!! I’m really going to miss going out to dinner with Tim and how special he always made me feel on my birthday, but the Adventure Girls (me, Kim and Kendal) will make some new birthday memories! Here’s to 2017 and whatever it brings – tears, laughter, sickness, health – I’m ready for it, and I now feel free to let all of my emotions pour out!
I wish we lived closer to each other, we could have spent the time crying together for the same reasons instead of alone. I get you completely. I turned on the tv to see the ball drop at 11:55 when my son called me from West VA. so we could watch it together and ring our family bell at midnight. I lit a candle that has Steven’s picture and rang the bell while FaceTiming with my son. the Camara was turned to the candle as I sobbed uncontrollably then I cried till I finally dozed off and did it all over again come morning. I will do my best to get off the pity party boat and live the life I have with purpose and adventure, because I can and because I have life. I wish you more joys than sorrows, more adventures than pity parties, and all the love that’s out there to receive and in your heart from years past. -Heidi
Thanks soooooo much Heidi!! Yep I get it!!! It would absolutely be awesome if we lived closer to each other!!
I did talk to Kim at midnight and we were both crying!! I believe that both you and me will have lots of joy in 2017 and lots of adventures too!! And even long distance we can continue to encourage each other!!
Much love to you my friend!!
Loretta, Loretta, Loretta, thank you, thank you, thank you for your continued depth of honesty and height of clarity about your grieving and, even, especially more, about yourself…
Your words that leapt from the screen into my mind and heart are these: “I absolutely know who I can call when I need to, but I also know when I have to work through things alone.” There is something more than wonderful for me about your knowing, verily, living richly into that human experience of being connected with (truly, belonging to) others and being connected with (again, truly, belonging to) yourself. This is a profound expression for me of life’s equilibrium; that state or stage of balance I oft wish I had, but find largely elusive or when attained, never long lasting. Bravo!
Thank you, Thank you, Thank you Paul!! I’ve learned so much about myself over this past 5 months, know what I mean??? Not to mention the fact that I’ve learned a lot about the house I’ve lived in for 30 years too!! Who knew I’d grow this much in five months. Quite the learning curve!! You’ve been a great support to me and I’m truly grateful!! Much love back to you!!
A great support to you, as I live and breathe, I always will be!
You were in my spirit New Year’s Eve, I wondered how you would spent your evening and I thought hopefully with friends (smile). I arrived at Christ Hospital around 4:30p in preparation for our annual New Year’s Service I suddenly thought of you again. So, after I took my godmother into the Chapel I went to sit quietly in our Chaplain’s office to quietly meditate on what I was feeling.
Seated, my eyes gazed upon a flyer advertising the 2017 Refresh My Soul Conference and your picture! I leaped for joy! I was so excited I took out my phone and called you (never done this before, smile) but somehow I knew you would not answer, hearing your voice was enough for me.
Thank you for opening your heart, and for allowing the tears of cleansing to flow.
Happy Birthday! Cherish your special day.
Blessings and Love,
Thanks so much Belinda for all of your support!! Can’t wait to come back to
Cincinnati!!!its exciting!! As for the tears I let them flow as they will!! Much love!!!